Losing
by Brooke1
Summary: Spike POV on a BX relationship that has just ended. Season 7, post stories "Shifting", "Beating", "Breaking", & "Possessing". (BX, BS mentions)


Title: Losing  

Author: Brooke 

Email: yabbadabbadome13@yahoo.com 

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I got this sweet Porn Star sticker and I put it on my laptop. I own that…the sticker not the laptop. Buffy and friends are owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The UPN and whoever else has rights to the show. 

Summary: Spike's POV is completely fragmented. It's B/S dwelling and B/X in reality.

Distribution: I don't know why anybody would want this, but if somebody does…sure. 

Feedback: Definitely!! Tell me if it sucked or if you liked it. Whatever. Just write back!

Authors Note #1: This is a narrative and I wrote it very quickly, which is why there is a lack of complete sentences. Just telling you in case it got confusing. Also you might want to read "Shifting", "Beating", "Breaking, and "Possessing" to get the full affect. 

Authors Note #2: Assume that everything, season 1 through 7, is fair game.

This is archived at my group The Unattainable: 

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She's had her knickers in a bleedin twist all week; like she's honestly surprised that he left. She had to see that one coming a mile away. He's a man…she's her. Her men leave…all but me. I came back for her. I'm the only one who ever came back for her.

Before he left a couple days ago, he asked her why. Why she had kissed me? Done this to him? Why she wanted so desperately to be miserable? What the fuck was the matter with her that she would do any and all to *not* be happy?

Harris cursed at her. I heard him do it, but I doubt anybody else in the house did. The most anybody had seen was Buffy red faced and teary eyed hurrying down the hall after her boy. Who was the lap dog then, I wanted to ask her. 

Xander didn't say much in the kitchen because Buffy didn't have an explanation. Not one that she could give him and have any chance at winning him back, anyway. She just kept telling him 'I love you…You have to believe that I love you…' Over 'n over.

You know, I never had heard so much venom in a bloke's voice than I did when Harris called her a liar. He felt what I did…I knew it because he didn't rant 'n rave. His love for her was too mature to allow him to demean it with petty dramatics. He just said it. 'Liar'. His voice was deliciously cold and I swear that it made the Slayer shiver.

She had put on those huge doe eyes…a last resort, if you asked me, but nobody did. I was still standing right next to them, but I wasn't even in the room. She was pleading with him, trying to touch him but Xander stayed just out of reach…just like she always was to him, I suppose. While he spoke with a quiet emptiness Buffy outright bawled. Waterworks the likes of which I had never known she was capable of and I had seen her at her lowest. Certainly lower than a break up with her soddin boyfriend…one that *she* had found it in her heart to cheat on.

Not able to be faithful to her best friend…she didn't deserve the right to cry.

I was quite enraptured with the whole situation. I had gotten her. Broken her and had her abandoned by the one man that she had, ironically enough, confessed to me said would never leave her. She told me that Xander said that he would be by her side until the end of forever. She smiled so distantly when she told me that and it made me want to wretch. She liked the idea of the end of forever with him…he made her yearn for that type of promise and it wasn't something she had ever seriously thought of before. He made everything more than 'right now' for her, she said.

The end must be 'round the bloody bend then.

Dawn and another lil Slayer wandered into the kitchen at that point and I remember Buffy sniffling loudly to mask the tears that were still obviously falling. Harris didn't even smile at either of the girls…didn't even speak, and when he turned and I caught his eyes I saw the hollowness in them. He would have matched off with me except he was empty inside. Devoid of emotion for the first time and I wondered what exactly I had done to him. Whatever it was it made me smile behind his back when he left the room. Not because he, per say, was suffering, but because when he turned and left Buffy ran after him. Not crying out for him, but just following like an orphan puppy that had just been kicked. A refreshing look on the Slayer…now she knew what it felt like to be me.

I heard Buffy's bedroom door shut after them and cast a wane smile at Dawn. "Trouble in paradise." I commented dryly. The young Slayer rolled her eyes at the melodramatics and asked if Xander had used the last of Buffy's shampoo again, remembering that when that had happened before Willow had started preparations for WW 3. "Probably." I muttered. It would take a hair trauma for that bitch to show a real emption…until now. 

I had her now. I knew how to hurt her so deeply and I did. I had taken what she had wanted most in the world away from her…probably forever. What ever, what ever would my little Goldie Locks do now? I listened outside Buffy's room to Xander going through drawers and the rustling of bags, more pleading and tears and 'I love you's'. He told her that she couldn't possibly. He asked why she had to say it if it wasn't true…why she had to lead him on? He said that he could have lived the rest of his life just being her friend, and that would have been enough; but she made him love her again. She took his love and made him think that he had hers…even when she hadn't said it, he said that he just *knew*, that he could *feel* what she was so afraid of, and now she had broken his heart. A twisted game that always ends with him last in line.

She said it wasn't true. Told him that she had never experienced anything that was so far away from fear than when she told him that she loved him. She told him that he knew that…knew that she wasn't afraid to be with him.

Xander…oh the boy grew a backbone in the span of ten minutes. He would melt if the Slayer looked at him too long, but now he was facing off with her. Coldly emotional and fortified in the fact that he deserved better…he told her that he deserved better. He deserved…

"Your dream?" Buffy's sobs floated through the door. "You said that I was it, and you had me…"

"You said a lot of things that can be taken back too."

She had. I had heard her.

"I deserve to be first, Buffy." At his last straw. "I deserve my dream…the one person who loves me beyond any and all…"

"I do…"

She was pathetic. Crying now, sure…but I knew her. Her crying only lasted so long before she was out trying to numb the pain, or pound the tar out of the object of her frustrations. Either way she would come back to me. Love and hate and it would be blurred because she would be alone and that was what Buffy wanted least in the world. I could fix that for her…I could fix it forever. I could choose to send her away, even, but why would I? At the end of the day, this…this was for her, and she would know that. She would know that I saved her from herself and I would help her find her way again because I would never leave…I couldn't, and I loved her more than…Just more.

"You can't possibly." He was standing closer to the door and I ducked around the corner so that they couldn't see me when he was leaving…and he was leaving. He asked her if she even knew what it meant to love, but then said that it didn't matter...he didn't care. He couldn't afford to care about her anymore because every time he tried she ripped his heart out.

A teary apology. She said that she would make it up to him.

He said the only way she could do that was to go back in time and take it all back. Not kissing me, he said. Take back kissing him. He said that if she could do that then he wouldn't have to loose one of his best friends. He wished she'd never shown him what it was to believe in love at first sight, and that she had never let him believe that he could make her happy. He wasn't 'him', he said.

Him is me. He wasn't me…wasn't what she wanted.

"And I don't want to be." The door opened and he walked out alone. "I don't ever want to be *that* even if it means that I can't have you." He was at the steps, still moving calmly and ignoring the busying halls and mass hurried voices that were echoing around him. He spoke low but I still heard him…suspect that Buffy did too when he said under his breath… "You're not worth it."

The front door shut behind him three days ago, and he had left with a lie. He knew that he would die for that woman. I would die for her. Its just about telling yourself what your heart needs to hear to have the courage to keep you walking away. To close off from the pain that she is capable of causing the ones she 'loves'. 

He just left her sitting numbly on the foot of her bed unable to even find real tears. I found her like that, just sitting there and looking at the floor, and I took a seat next to her. Not even a glance in my direction, but I still sat. No need for her to sit alone…for me to not enjoy the situation she created for herself…for her to not have anybody there for her. Somebody who cared and would never leave. Somebody better than a liar.

I didn't even think that she was breathing for a while; she just sat to perfectly still. Still holding my heart in the palm of her hand and squeezing the life out of it the likes of which she would never even be able to understand. I think I love hurting her so much because I'm the only one who can undo it for her…make her feel better. I love when she needs me.

But I didn't fool myself. She had Harris' heart, too, but his was on the heel of her boot. He may have packed a bag, but he left this house with nothing. I had his soul and she had his heart. Maybe I had her soul too…but I didn't want that nearly had much as what I think Xander had. I wanted her everything…

I remember Dawn passing by the room after at least forty minutes of silence and she asked where Xander had gone. Said that he didn't even say bye. Asked why he had a bag. Asked what was the matter with her. Rapid fire questions and Buffy let them hit her like shrapnel. She just sat there and didn't even look up right away. 

"Hello? Earth to Buffy." Dawn waved her hand in front of her sister's vacant eyes and she finally looked up. I didn't recognize her voice when she said that it was nothing, he just went out.

"With a bag?" Dawn asked. "Did you guys fight?" But Buffy wasn't paying attention really. She had found it within herself to stand up and she was looking for something on her bureau. I assumed she found it because then, again without uttering a word, turned and headed out of her room and down the stairs. Dawn called out the question I had of where she was going, but right at that moment it wasn't my place to ask. I had to wait for what I knew would come…when she would tell me everything and let me take it all away.

"Out." That was all she said when she left the house.

Dawn had looked at me for an explanation and all I could do was shrug. 

"What did you do?!" Willow was the next to confront me. She had come all the way from downstairs to start with me, so I told her. 

"Nothing." I hadn't done anything and I was sick of playing the whipping boy. I stood up and pushed my way between the witch and the teenager. Even made my way downstairs without exploding at the looks I was receiving by all those incipient girls. "Why don't you go ask the great heroine…if she finds it in her heart to come back." I passed Giles in the kitchen and I held my hand up when he approached me. Told him it was none of his goddamned business anymore, he had left too. I headed down to the basement and tossed back, to what was left of Buffy's precious Scooby Gang, that it wasn't my fault that they had turned her into a runner.

She stayed gone for a long time that night. She left in the afternoon and I knew that she would go on a long patrol before she returned so I wasn't really expecting her in before 3 in the morning, but the front door didn't unlock until sometime just after 6. I had spent the majority of the evening basking in the knowledge that she more than likely had gone after him and going through her room. Once everybody had drifted off into a widely accepted state of confused slumber I snuck back upstairs and went inside. I could smell her so strongly in there that it made me cringe with pure rage…sigh in unadulterated bliss. Touched her bed and her clothes. Smelled him in there too. Looked at all the pictures, pocketed a few that were just of her. I didn't have any recent ones…

There weren't that many to choose from though; most she was with somebody else. Even Dawn drew away from my focal point and tarnished the value of the snapshot. The ones of she and Xander hurt the most. Them living a life that I wanted. For me and her…just for me. I hated how whole she looked in them even though I loved that beautiful smile he gave her to wear. Most were common place: them reading or sitting next to each other, a few of hugs, and Harris making idiotic faces while she smiled. Always smiling. I just wanted to know why. I had studied them, how he got to her and I wanted to do what he had done. I wanted that laugh for my own ears.

I wandered around that room in the dark and found myself opening the drawers…shifting through their contents haphazardly. Picked up a few more things of hers that I'd keep for old time's sake. And then I happened by a mostly empty one…must have been one of Xander's because all that was let was a couple shirts that would tent the Slayer. I pulled them out and frowned at them. If Buffy could 'love' something covered in that…

That's when I saw them. They were in the back of the drawer…hidden, but saved. Letters. I pulled them out, a stack of them, and sat back on the bed. They hadn't been what I had expected in the least…they were something I didn't even know…

Letters Buffy had written to him. The spelling wasn't perfect that the thoughts were circular and they all said how bloody much he meant to her. How important that ponce was in her life and how she was so very in love with him. She thanked him for showing her how to feel that way and for loving her the same way. For his patience, which she claimed she would die without. She thanked him for holding her, and knowing her, and for being her 'always and for-bleedin-ever'. She wrote him things that I never knew Buffy would even consider…deeper than she ever showed me she could delve. 

Notes. Little one liners about any and everything. For his hands…she thanked him profusely for his hands. Told him how much he touched her inside and out. His mouth. For showing her what else he was capable of with it – it could make her cry and laugh and scream and come. 

She told him that he was perfect, and if he didn't believe her then to look at her. To look at the smile on her face when she woke up and he was the first person she saw. To look at how she glowed now, because she had him…he gave that to her. He made her feel perfect because he had so much of that quality to give. She said that she didn't believe in perfection before him, and that she wasn't sorry if he felt pressured because of the way she labeled him…if he did he was lying because he had earned it by simply being himself. Every one ended with 'I love you'.

Every one of them was a bold faced lie. 

It was no wonder he left. Intense burning lies, over and over. 

Those I put back in the drawer. I had thought about taking them, but I thought it would be that much sweeter when she went through what had been his in a fit of desperation and found them. Letters and confessions and memories that he didn't want. If she wasn't broken enough already to seek solace in me, finding that her avowals meant nothing to him now certainly would. Her love meant nothing…less than, and he didn't want it. He was better than it.

I left her room and didn't care if she knew I had been in there. I doubted she could even muster the concern to anyway. I went back down to my cot and lay in the quiet, looking at my pictures again and imagining when that smile would be mine. Imagined my lips on it and the warm real feel of it on me, and I didn't even notice the sun coming up…not until the front door unlocked and footsteps moved heavily up the stairs. 

There was no speaking that day either. 

Dawn knocked on her door and asked if she wanted lunch and then dinner. Asked if she wanted to take the S.i.T's on patrol or if she had any more leads on the First. She got no answer.

Willow glared at me and Rupes told me that I had better sincerely hope that whatever I did could be rectified, because if it couldn't, and any of his children suffered, I'd surely wish that I could reach hell.

His bloody children. Right. I didn't need to remind him of the fact that he left them…left her, but I did anyway. I knew he was going to hit me before I even got the end of the sentence out, but I just sucked the blood off of my teeth and left the room. He told me to get out of her house. I said that it wasn't his call.

I saw Dawn then, and, looking all the part of the no-parent home, neglected, latch key kid that she was, told me that if I hurt Buffy again that it could be her call. She would make me get out. Just like she would kill me, I thought idly and wondered how quickly alliances wavered in this house. "Lil bit." I shook my head and hoped that one day, one of there people would understand…would comprehend that the Slayer was far from infallible. "Your big sister made her bed. It may not be all roses but she's got to lie in it. Bleedin Slayer's made more mistakes than you'll ever know, but this doesn't concern you…Not to worry, she'll buck up." I would see to that. She didn't like my answer and went off to find her 'Spike Haters Club' vice president. Bugger that. I can't make them like me and I didn't need them to.

I didn't even see the Slayer until that night when she went out again. She didn't say where she was going or that she would see anybody later. She just left. I wondered if she had found him and they were making up. I had thought the night before that maybe that had happened…they had spent the night together, but I knew I was safe when I saw her later. Still crying, or on the verge of. Still moving stoically looking completely empty. 

She was gone for hours again. Dawn, Willow and Giles stayed up as long as they could in the living room before deciding to follow the rest of the S.i.T's and turning in. I waited in the basement until I was sure that they had, then I went back upstairs.

She found the letters last night. They were on her bed instead of the drawer. Some of his clothes were out too. Was she reminiscing? Packing for him? Either way she had been crying while doing it. I could smell the tears. I could smell that she had been drinking too, and I knew that she hadn't found him the night before. If she had, it didn't go well.

Did you ever know something was just a matter of time?

That kiss…that one kiss that was exactly how I watched her kiss him was my taste of forever. That was her forever kiss.

I…I could show her mine…

The next day she entered like she had before, but different. It was still early in the morning, and she still smelled the faintest bit of alcohol but it was different. When she woke all of the girls up and called the meeting in the living room we all were in shock.

Bruised and cut. Dried blood and torn clothes. Her hair was a mess and framing a black eye and a cut lip, and yet she still spoke in a mechanically hard tone. Caleb, she said. Caleb did it when she had gone to the vineyard the night before.

"Why in the bloody hell did you go there alone?" Giles was pissed at her for being rash again. I loved her when she was impulsive. 

"Are you retarded now?" One of the younger slayers asked. The one who was always with Willow. "Did Xander walking out make you go brain dead?"

"You could have been killed." Willow's voice held its staple genuine concern in an attempt to cover the other girl's brashness. 

Buffy ignored them. She shut herself off more and said that whatever it was that the First wanted was in the vineyard. Caleb was guarding it there and they had to go into get it.

"To get the shit beat out of us like you?" Willow's girl asked.

"Taking hits is part of the job." Buffy was cold. She could take the beating easily when she couldn't feel it. "They heal. The world can only end once."

That was a lie again. Twice. The world could end twice. The first time was when she walked away from me…

They all looked skeptical but not me. I had faith in her when they all didn't and I was just seconds from telling her. Round up some weapons and even if it was just us two, that would be all we needed. But then there was a knock at the front door and it opened on its own.

Dawn hugged him when he shuffled into the living room without meeting Buffy's, now downcast, eyes. She could have been one glance away from turning to me…but now…

Willow squeezed Xander's hand when he walked by and he stopped and sat down on an end table at her side. The boy's only friend. His last bastion of hope to cling to since she was the only one he was good enough for. But I had to tip my hat that he had even shown up. He had put aside his betrayal, even though he was and always would be virtually useless, and came by to try to save the world. I wondered if he would leave this town if they did. I knew Buffy was wondering the same thing.

The law. The general in this war, was what Buffy called herself. We were going into battle tonight. She was cold again when she finished the meeting, but was so fragile when she found Xander in the kitchen afterwards. Willow and Dawn excused themselves and left them alone, but I took my seat at the top of the basement steps…just like when I started this.

She thanked him for coming. For supporting her. Apologized again and again. Told him that she had found things he had forgotten…things that would make him believe that she wasn't lying…that she never had to him.

He said that he forgot some of his clothes and if she could bring them down it would be great. Buffy said that she wouldn't. He could go up and take whatever he wanted, but she wouldn't help him leave her. Xander asked if she didn't think that her kissing me didn't do that enough.

He went upstairs and she followed him. "This isn't about you and me." He told her. "This is about the end of the world, and no matter if we're together or not, it's either going to keep going or stop. It's bigger than us."

"Not for me."

I listened through the vent after her door had shut again.

"It should be." Xander told her. "If you're just fighting for me you're wasting your time…you'll loose." She asked how he could look at her and say that; and he answered with another question. How could she say that she loved him and look at him? How could she use him like that?

She told him to take the letters and I could hear her crying. 

"I'm not here for you." Xander told her, seemingly ignoring her. "I'm going to see how this ends then…"

The door opened and he didn't finish the sentence. He was moving through the house alone again and before I heard the front door shut behind him I heard him tell Willow he'd be back that night. 

He was. He came back that night and we all went to the vineyard under Buffy's orders. The whole way there they stayed far away from each other and nobody spoke of it. Even the nosey teenaged girls kept their rumors about the situation between themselves, but I could tell by the quick glances I was getting that everybody thought it had something to do with me.

Fine. I'd let them think that the Slayer was perfect for now. She said that, and I knew it was true, she needed complete subordination. There was no way I'd let Harris show me up on that.

We all saw girls die that night. So much blood and the screams…screams I wished I could have loved. I tried to watch her back and, whether he knew it or not, Harris did, too. The plan…Buffy's battle plan cost lives and Xander…

He was bleeding so bad. Buffy was still getting up from being punched through a wall of wine barrels and I pulled him out of there. I bet she didn't expect this to happen…if she had then she would have told him to leave her for good that afternoon.

Caleb…he called him, Xander…called Xander the one that sees everything right before…he couldn't get away. Stupidly brave for going in there – a mortal. Hopelessly in love for following her – terminally mortal. I suppose I have that problem, too.

Buffy gave me mortality in that sense. Showed me what she showed Xander, only it meant something to me.

She went to the hospital with him and Willow, and I was left to go back to her house with a group of people who would rather tear out my bloody entrails with dull pliers. 

Buffy came back before Willow. She came in through the back door in the kitchen and just sat down. She was silent until Giles happened through and saw her, and I heard her sniff back tears then. The Watcher sat down too. I could hear the scrape of his chair on the linoleum floor before he asked how he was.

I already knew. I had seen what had happened…

"He…uh…his…" Buffy couldn't even say it. I wanted to tell her that it didn't matter what she wanted to believe anymore, everything was real now. Nothing could be denied.  

"He lost his eye." Buffy said finally and I heard her shake off Giles' offer of comfort. She told him that Xander was still sleeping when she left, and Giles asked her why she had.

"He doesn't want me there."

As long as she believed that…

Giles seemed to, too and stood up again. He hesitated before he walked out of the kitchen and he probably thought that it wasn't his place, but he still spoke. "Whatever happened between you two, Xander can probably use all the friends he has."

I supposed Harris would be glad that Willow was there now then. Maybe Rupert would take Dawn over later, too.

I came upstairs when I was sure that he had left. He had made it blaringly clear that he didn't want me near Buffy and I didn't want to ruin my moment by arguing in front of her. 

"He's right you know." I settled on saying first. "Xander needs his friends now…plus, you got him into this. It's the least you can do."

She had been looking straight ahead, but her eyes flashed to mine when I spoke. I literally saw the spark in them when she asked why I gave a shit about her and Xander now. "Isn't this what you want."

Yes. "I liked seeing you happy." That was the truth too. "Do you honestly think that you were happy while you were lying to him the way you were."

"You can't tell me what I was feeling."

"Can't I?" I faced her, smirking at her stone set features. "You were killing yourself to keep that secret…killing yourself to believe that you loved him…to not be with me again…"

Pure hatred and venom. Our tainted passions life's breath. "What do you know about love, Spike?" She stood up and approached me. "You can't do it. You can't feel…"

"I felt you." She was so close that my facial muscles were twitching.

"Not my heart." She was walking away after that and I reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her. 

"Are you going to run again? Scared, are you?" Her eyes were fixed disbelievingly on my hand on her. "You're no better than me." I locked eyes with her and I saw in them that she knew that I was right. "The difference is that I *love* you. I'm not afraid, Buffy."

Her eyes softened for the briefest of moments and I wasn't expecting her to swing across with her other hand and hit me in the head. I stumbled backwards.

"I'm not afraid." She hit me again and I fell back into the wall. "I know love…"

Other Slayers heard the scuffle and I took my beating while they gathered in the doorway. I fought every urge I had to hit her back.

"I've said it." She kept punching and crying. "I've felt it and shown it and died for it and you hated it because it was never you." One last hard left cross that left a cut above my eye and my head lolled back to face her. I looked at her take in what she had done to me. How much more I had let her hurt me…

Her face turned up and she couldn't fight the tears. I watched her legs crumble beneath her and she sunk hard to the floor. "You took it from me."

"You chose me again, luv." My face hurt and my mouth tasted coppery. "What you did, I didn't ask for. You chose it." Everybody stood still. No body asked what aloud.

"You can't possibly love me." She looked up at me as if she had an epiphany. 

"I do…"

"You can't. *You* don't know how to. Pain, Spike, pain isn't love and that's all you ever felt. That's all you know." The tears were still coming and I had to shut my eyes so that I couldn't see her anymore. 

Pain.

"THAT'S ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO GIVE!"

"No." The Slayer seemed to be trying to collect herself and she stood up. Still broken and not standing all that confidently, but still standing. "That's all I've even had to give you. I love him, Spike." Buffy was speaking quietly and evenly in front of the awed audience. "No matter what mistakes I made, I love Xander. How does that feel? Does it hurt?"

It did, so I nodded. I nodded and hated that I left myself vulnerable again.

"Good."

I thought that I was the only one who could hurt Buffy the way she was now…but she had brought that pain with her already. Xander had hurt her more profoundly than I thought was possible. 

"You can live with the fact that for as long as I'm alive, whether I'm with him or not, I'll *always* be deeper in love with him than even you can imagine. Think about how that won't change even if he never returns the feeling again, and *know* that it'll never be you."

"Then you'll know how I feel about you." Nobody else was here but us. She was all I could see. The only thing that I had ever felt…needed.

"Sucks doesn't it. Rips you apart? Thanks for showing me." Hatred at herself…at me, then… "I want you gone."

I stopped and looked into her eyes again. Questioning where she was dead serious. I heard a gasp then. A few stray 'I thought we need him's' and 'He's the only other fighter we have left'. All of that was true, but there was more. More than the fight.

"Is this because of…" I want her to need me. She needs to need me…

"This is for me." She interrupted me. "This is because I need…"

…me. You need me…

"…him…I have to prove myself to him and I'm starting with you."

"The First." I had her. I just need a little bit more time. "I'm your key to the First…"

She kept looking at me as if I hadn't said anything and told me to get my things together. She said that she was going to the hospital. I asked if she knew that I had saved him. Did she know that? And she paused. I had a heart. I deserved more than…

"One good deed, redeems you?" Dawn spoke up suddenly and shocked everybody, but Buffy kept her focus.

"If you care about what this is really about, then help." She said from the doorway.  She said how Xander said that the world was worth the risk…meant more than she and him together, and got a tearfully wistful grin. It died quickly though and only served to gather her conviction. "But so help me, if I come back and you're still here, I will finish this."

She had squeezed my heart into nothingness in her hand and then dropped the remains on the floor. Xander's…she was still carrying his…

I was seething when I heard the front door shut behind her. I barely noticed the girls clear out from the kitchen while I stood stock still for so long that all of the bleeding from my lacerations stopped on its own.

She still had his heart. But I had his soul. I had taken that…and I could have his everything. His heart…his true heart, the living and breathing entity that he wished he could just walk away from wanted me out of her house…her life. 

A sorry attempt to try to win him back over. He had lost half his bloody vision because of her fool heartedness. Did she honestly think that he wouldn't blame her for that? She maimed him in everyway imaginable. Did she think that he would want to even look at her with the eye he had left? I'd surely tell her otherwise. That nobody wanted her, and nobody ever would again.

His heart would come back and I would wait. She couldn't very well put me out. No…I'd wait…

I'd take his everything. He'd suffer more, but he'd know that it wasn't about him…its not my fault that she means something to him when she shouldn't…he'd learn that. He'd learn that life could go on…it would…

Heart and soul. I'd get mine back from that bitch. Crush her…take her…break her and…

It had never been so crystal clear. I wanted to laugh at all the sense it made, but instead I went back down to the basement. Wait for the Slayer…wait for the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End


End file.
